Step 1 - After finding yourself inexplicably awake just 20 minutes into your nap, search for your paci and other beloved items while cooing gently. Practice making babbling noises while you sniff your blankie and run your fingers over the satin edge. This is key language development time. It's also key spitting (and chuckling at the spitting) time.
Step 2 - Increase the volume and pitch of your babbling noises. Try to be adorable. Maybe Mom will come rushing to get you, since you're being so cute. However, don't count on it. She's probably in the shower or on the phone, and simply happy that you're enjoying yourself. However, if she does appear in this phase, skip to step 7.
Step 3 - Stand up and jump, while squeeeing and laughing at yourself. Continue jumping until you notice your lovey bouncing up and down next to you.
Step 4 - Throw your lovey out of the crib, preferably at something metal to create as much noise as possible to alert Mom that you're up. Start interspersing unhappy sounds as you toss your stuffed animals and bedding out of the crib. Don't forget to squeeze your paci down between the crib and the wall to replenish your stash. Keep jumping. Momentum is key to the next step.
Step 5 - Realize that all comfort items are gone and alert Mom to your plight. "Accidentally" bump your chin on the rail as you jump. Practice screaming while holding on to the rail and arching your head back as far as possible. Repeat three times. It's good to stretch after jumping. Keep up the wailing and gnashing of tooth. Flail on your now empty bed with as much energy and dreariness as you can, because Mom always comes when you're in "real" pain. Don't forget to let your head make contact with the bed. Nothing says "sad" like putting your head as low as possible, even if it means some uncomfortable contorting. Lean into the stretch. This position has the added benefit of making your face turn red, adding convincing realism to your act.*
Step 6 - The instant Mom is in sight, give up the injured chin act and reward her for coming to get you by leaping up into her arms with a big smile and an excited "Ma!"
Step 7 - While your mother is lifting you out of the crib, suddenly leap from her arms in an attempt to get the beloved items on the floor and bonk your head for real on the side rail. Repeat wailing and gnashing of tooth. Pay attention to the way you act when you're truly sad; you can use this valuable information to up your game next time.
Step 8 - Wait fifteen minutes, show obvious signs of tiredness, and repeat steps 1 through 8 as often as desired. Mom doesn't have anything better to do; she won't mind.
*Please note - for waking when sick, cold, hot, hungry, confused, soiled, over-stimulated, teething, having a nightmare, in a new room/bed, startled, irritated by some random piece of clothing, bitter about the ending of LOST, or just because it's fun to confuse Mom every once in a while, skip steps 1 through 6 and begin at step 7.
2 hours ago